Port Macquarie Koala Hospital, New South Wales, Australia

Athletic koalas?
It’s always nice to have your illusions shattered. Given that koalas aren’t exactly renowned for their non-stop athleticism at the best of times, you’d hardly expect the unfortunate ones beset by blindness, permanent disabilities and venereal diseases to be little hubs of pure energy.
Well, try telling that to Paddy, who has discharged himself from hospital, and is haring up and down a tree in a bid for freedom.

Koala hospital for chlamydia sufferers
Paddy has chlamydia, an unfortunately common complaint for these sleepy little furballs, and he has been placed in isolation to stop him infecting others. However, the security at the Port Macquarie Koala Hospital, on the North Coast of New South Wales, Australia isn’t watertight, and he’s managed to make his break.

Volunteers give chase
The escapee has caused quite a commotion too, as a troupe of volunteers attempts to stop him running amok. Sending someone up the tree after him would be an obviously fruitless pursuit, so more cunning tactics have to be brought into play.
Apparently, koalas can’t stand things being wafted around their head, so Chris, the hospital’s habitat officer has attached a plastic bag to an extremely long pole.
As he waves it above Paddy’s head, the miscreant scarpers down the tree trunk with surprising speed, and this process continues until he’s near the bottom.
Waiting there to pounce are two volunteers with a sack, hoping to bundle him into it and take him back to the ward.

Benny Hill Show
Paddy is having none of it though, and as soon as he spots a brief respite from the plastic bag of unimaginable terror, he races back up the trunk to the highest branch he can find. The whole process, now beginning to look like something straight out of The Benny Hill Show, is repeated again – and again – until finally the prisoner is dragged kicking and screaming away, clawing his Hessian cage.

Australia’s koala capital
Port Macquarie is arguably Australia’s koala capital. It is surrounded by prime habitat, a gum tree heaven if you will, and the dozy marsupials still thrive here, even though the town is growing at a rapid rate.
The human expansion has been costly for the koala population. As more housing springs up, more trees are cut down, and many of the patients at the hospital are there for man-made reasons.

Mauling and drowning
According to Anne, the volunteer who guides us round, car accidents, maulings from pet dogs and drowning in swimming pools are just three problems the urban koala faces. They may have sharp claws, but they’re hardly likely to win a fight with a narky bull terrier or Holden Monaro. The swimming pools are a more eyebrow-raising problem as, although hardly the Ian Thorpes of the animal world, they can actually swim reasonably well.

Getting out of the swimming pool
The issue, says Anne, is that once in the pool, they can’t get out. The walls of the pool are too steep, and they can’t get a grip on the tiles at the top, so they just tread water and flounder about until they run out of energy and slowly drown.
It’s a pretty horrible way to go, and the hospital is encouraging local residents to put a small rope dangling in their pools so that the wayward adventurers can pull themselves up. Whether it will take on remains to be seen, but the staff at the hospital are determined to prove that not all human interaction with koalas has to be bad.

No Government funding
Set up in 1973 and run almost entirely by good-natured people donating their time, the hospital receives no Government funding. The $140,000 a year it takes to keep operations going comes entirely from donations, be it from visitors, generous benefactors or its adopt-a-koala scheme. Over 100 people volunteer their services in various roles, be it in conducting tours, running the shop or going out at dawn every morning to collect fallen branches from the bush to feed the koalas with.

Hand-reared like a newborn child
The most dedicated of all are those who take the youngest and most needy home with them. They are hand-reared as if a newborn child – including feeding sessions in the middle of the night – until they are of sufficient weight and health to be transferred to the hospital. It’s quite clear that these people care an awful lot about their eucalyptus-munching friends, and this shines through as you’re led through the pens in which the recovering koalas are housed.

Getting to Port Macquarie

Nearest International Airport: Port Macquarie has an airport, but international visitors will have to get a connecting flight from either Brisbane or Sydney

Using public transport: Port Macquarie is 510km south of Brisbane, approximately a seven hour drive, and 450km north of Sydney. It is connected to both by train and bus.

More information: The Koala Hospital can be found in the Macquarie Nature Reserve on Lord Street, a 15-20 minute walk from the city centre. It’s open every day, with feeding time tours conducted at 3pm. Entry and the tours are free, although donations are greatly appreciated.

Berry, New South Wales – Australia’s Novelty Shop Town

Pity the poor resident of Berry, Australia who wants a loaf of bread and bottle of milk. For such a small town, it has the most bewildering array of shopping. However, the amount of things that are actually useful can be counted on one hand. A disfigured hand, at that.
For some unknown reason, any Australian that has every dreamed of selling something of such narrow interest that there isn’t possibly a market for it has descended on Berry, and they are thriving.
A ramble down Queen Street in the New South Wales town is truly enthralling. You can buy sundials, cuckoo clocks, lizards made out of recycled metal and a ceramic biscuit jar in the shape of an elephant in high heels, sitting on an armchair. Are people actually buying this stuff?
If not, they are certainly not buying the fountain with two pigs playing tongue tennis inside it, the big furry owl in the castle turret, the acres of fake fruit and jester outfits.
It is all quite, quite surreal. Berry is the epitome of quaint, from the ye olde buildings to the bales of hay on the pavement of the high street. It’s undeniably gripping too, especially for those fond of people watching.
The British tourists are easy to spot – they’re the ones raiding the sweet shop and taking out the entire supply of biscuits thought long extinct. Then there’s those browsing the shops. Is anyone going to buy the granny nighties that everyone seems to have on prominent display? And perhaps more intriguingly, is anyone going to be fooled by an antiques shop that contains a glass model of the Sydney Opera House (opened in the ancient year of 1973)?

Getting to Berry, New South Wales, Australia

Nearest International Airport: Sydney Kingsford Smith airport

Using Public Transport: Berry is about 2 ½ hours drive south of Sydney. It is also on the South Coast train line from Sydney Central.

More information: Berry Website

Clog Barn and Little Holland in Coffs Harbour, New South Wales, Australia

In a country with such an obvious European heritage, it is only natural that some things will have come over from that continent with the settlers. Some of these are obvious – everyone speaks English, whilst just about every town in Australia will have an Irish pub, Italian restaurant and Greek kebab house.
However, every now and then you come across a glorious little pocket that has not tried to blend into the multi-cultural surroundings, and is absolute determined to retain the characteristics of the motherland.
For no discernable reason, completely at odds with the surrounding towns, you will stumble upon oompah bands in German villages in the Adelaide Hills (Hahndorf), or Spanish monastic communities an hour’s drive away from Perth (New Norcia).

Little Holland
Deserving a special mention for sheer bloody-mindedness, however, is Little Holland near Coffs Harbour, New South Wales. Clearly unable to persuade the rest of the area that they should build cannabis cafes, stick their fingers in dykes and revel in red light districts, proud Dutchman Tom Hartsuyker has cornered off his own piece of (flat) land, and has filled it with every other national stereotype he can think of.
The result is a 1/20 scale model village built over five tedious years, and it is a work of truly breathtaking pointlessness. Still, if making miniature windmills keeps him out of trouble and off the streets, then fair play to him.
Just in case that’s not quite Dutch enough, it is attached to a clog barn. Happily ignoring the fact that no-one, even in Holland, has worn clogs for roughly 200 years, they are on sale here.
At 11am and 4pm every day, there are clog-making demonstrations. Again, they are strangely endearing, even if everyone is looking at each other, sniggering under their hands and scratching their foreheads.

Getting to the Clog Barn and Little Holland, Coffs Harbour

Nearest International Airport: Coffs Harbour has its own airport, but it only receives domestic flights. Coffs itself is roughly half way between Sydney and Brisbane, and thus a long drive from either. The best option is to fly into Sydney Kingsford Smith and then get a connecting flight.

Within Coffs Harbour: The Clog Barn and Little Holland is on the north side of Coffs Harbour, on the highway out of town – on the way to The Big Banana. Entry to the Clog Barn and the demonstrations are free, but you’ll have to fork out to see the model village and railway.

More information: The Clog Barn

The Pub With No Beer in Taylor’s Arm, New South Wales, Australia

Made famous by legendary Australian singer Slim Dusty, this hostelry no longer lives up to its name.
The Pub With No Beer, near Kempsey, New South Wales, now has plenty of beer. It even has its own brewery.
Local songwriter Gordon Parsons immortalised what used to be known as the Cosmopolitan Hotel when it allegedly went dry back in the 1950s. The song was recorded by Slim Dusty, and the rest is history. And, boy, have the owners cashed in on the good PR.
The Pub With No Beer now has accommodation, live entertainment and the sort of fancy bistro menu that doesn’t really fit the Dusty image.
But before the trades descriptions people come a-knocking, where better to toast Australia Day with a cold one in hand, a band playing classics in the background and good old-fashioned Aussie tucker on the menu?

More information: Pub With No Beer